Lux Aeterna
by Sakura-Moonlight
Summary: "You've all heard of the unnoticeable girl finally getting the boy...one way or another. But what if that boy was in love with someone else? What if that someone else was your best friend? The story of my life." Daidouji Tomoyo
1. Unnatural

_Lux Aeterna_

_-Requiem for a Dream_

_Note: Does not consist of the traditional Japanese schooling year. (3 trimesters, starting in April)_

Prologue

Ever since I was a little girl, I thought love foolish.

My parents have been split ever since I could remember, if not earlier. I grew up in a fairytale universe, like most girls. Tales of princesses and knights, of love conquering all and luxurious weddings in the end sealed with a kiss. I distinctively remembered feeling confused that my parents, who were **married, **were arguing day and night. There were no magical kisses, no wondrous gifts, and no smiles that transcended time itself. Just a deep look from them both that told me that I was not welcome.

I remembered holding onto that dream, of the perfect fairytale ending. I knew it was how most girls thought then too.

But at that point, I realized stories like that were only to entertain and to paint the perfect scenario. I kept telling myself that I wasn't stupid, that I didn't believe in that knight sweeping me off my feet and carrying me away to a castle far far away. I told myself that I was mature because of my parents, and because of them, I would only dream realistically. But somewhere deep down, I had hope. A tiny spark that burned for years on end.

That spark would be my downfall.

* * *

Chapter 1

Unnatural

I was preparing for this day ever since my plan was formulated. The first day of high school, symbolizing the fact that I was one last step closer to being independent if I wished to be. It was the thought that carried me through the years before, the boring lectures and unnecessary examinations and rankings. I knew what I was meant for, what I was suited to do. To be honest, I just did not see any point in having the ability to do basic algebra for what I was planning to do later in life.

Nevertheless, I did what I did, because that's who I was. At least that's what everyone perceived me to be, which was more or less the same thing to me. I've gone beyond caring.

Many people thought me to be easy to read. So on the contrary, I made myself opaque. It was easy to have friends, even if they became like a mediocre chore at times. But I honestly had nothing else to occupy my time with. I don't know when the pretending became a reality and when the kindness overturned my resolve to add to my load. The smile became glued to my face, most of the time just a reflex.

And because I had almost nothing else to fill up in my life, my father being out of the picture and my mother slipping out of the frame, I had a lot of heart to offer. My ... friends became important to me. I'd even go as far as to say they built my personality somewhat.

I'd like to think they found something meaningful in me too, but I wasn't too sure. Faking joy sometimes made me paranoid and suspicious of others to be like my devious self.

I walked through the doors of my new school with a perfect smile in place. There were two reasons why the smile was perfect. One; because it was intact for most of the day, and two; because it was real.

And behind everything lies a reason-_ that_ I believed with all of my heart.

Mine was Sakura.

Kinomoto Sakura was simply the most amazing person I knew. I knew her through this wretched family of mine, but I never once blamed them after I met her, for she became my life.

I indulged myself in different forms of art. Singing, designing, the occasional painting, but she was almost always the subject, explicitly, implicitly, even just a tiny mark. Her light auburn hair, paired with her gorgeous emerald eyes made her a perfect model like her late mother. She was my inspiration when I was young. Even after all these years, her figure had not changed much. She was still slender with a figure and a radiating aura of innocence that complimented her beauty. She was fair, much more than, but I could never say that out loud.

So I settled for calling her cute, which would in turn make her blush and be even cuter, even for a sixteen year old.

I always thought her to be the ideal girl…or somewhat close to the most desirable. Sakura was sweet and had the cutest reactions. Sometimes she behaved bizarrely because it was fun, and no matter how or what, she'd manage to drag someone else into it. She was a bright force, powered with the gift of unmatched smiles and charisma. In some ways, or most, I decided she was still a child inside, which was perfect in contrast to me most of the time. She drew everyone to her without even trying.

She was athletic and quite intelligent in her own right. Everyone was always glad to help her with her struggling subject math, and she always accepted graciously. She'd bring her cheerleading routines to class and after school so everyone could watch and critique (not that they had much to say after her excellent choreography). She was well involved in drama and helped out with the teachers. Everyone was her friend, even the boys. I knew that if it came down to it, everyone would deem that Sakura simply could do no wrong. She just couldn't.

I stood there patiently, as patiently as I could mask anyways. One of the few things that frequently irritated me about Sakura was her (cute) late policy. Once she was late by shy of two hours, after having collapsed the previous night and getting so much sleep that she literally woke up five minutes before she arrived at our meeting spot. I couldn't blame her; she had a legitimate excuse, at least acceptable because it was her. I was different simply because I could not stand being late, for whichever reason. It was a horrible pet peeve that peeled away my façade as quick as quicksand sinks.

Perhaps there was something off with Sakura today, but she was only late by a minute and a half. With barely a puff as a result of her excellent fitness, Sakura stopped in front of Tomoyo and looked down slightly as she was on a bike. She outgrown her rollerblades years ago and began taking up her older brother Touya's habits of arriving to school on two big wheels instead.

I still don't know how she does it, but Sakura manages to get off her bike gracefully even while stumbling on the touchdown to the ground. Laughing nervously, she wheels it off to the racks, and I of course, follow with a smile. I inwardly rolled my eyes at her obvious struggle as her fingers fumble with the lock.

"Tomoyo-chan, I'm sorry I'm late!"

Standard Sakura-chan response.

"You're actually only a few minutes late, I think we're fine. The new system's working out perfectly."

Sakura sweat dropped in that cute way she always did.

"What new system?"

Oops. I haven't yet told her. Sakura was sweet but she wasn't stupid. With a hand on her hip and a natural tapping of the foot, standard procedures for a light interrogation method, I felt compelled to reveal my not –so-big secret.

"Sakura-chan, I told you the starting time earlier so you'd get here on time that's all." I hid my intentions behind a sickening sugary look.

Her reaction was nothing short of hilarious, and I fought my every instinct not to burst out with an uncharacteristic snort. Her jade eyes just burst open ripe at its fullest colour, her hand flopped down her side and her mouth in the stage of a cry of disbelief.

"HOEEEE! How could you do this Tomoyo-chan! I got here EARLY? All my precious sleep!"

It was moments like these that made me doubt my resolve in loving this girl so much. Although she was already nearing the age of independence, she still slept in like a bear on tranquilizer and adored every drop of sweet bliss she could get in between boring periods of class instruction. After a while, she mastered the skill of sleeping for a set amount of time while concealed. I found it quite amusing how much time she spent on deceiving the teacher and that if she had spent a fraction of that time doing something more productive, she'd be the hit of the staff department.

"When does it really start Tomoyo-chan?" She whined, throwing a puppy face in my direction as dramatic effect.

"Oh, about half an hour from now." I replied in my best insouciant voice.

It was quite amusing to see her expression change so dramatically, even from her already shocked face.

"…So high school really doesn't start that much earlier than …" Her voice trailed off to nothingness.

I nodded sweetly, a part of me still amused by her erratic behaviour.

Sakura sighed once.

"I guess we can chill for the next thirty minutes then?" Sakura was certainly not used to having free time, especially before school.

"I'm sure we can. Anything exciting-"

That was my standard opener. Sakura would then take her cue and launch into a talk about whatever happened to her that was worth, or not even, mentioning. I'd drown and make my comments here and there, or maybe even take my turn at speaking back.

"You know my childhood friend, Li Syaoran?"

"Isn't he the one who lives in Hong Kong? His mother used to know your mother because of one of her modeling tours right?"

"Sometimes I really envy your amazing memory Tomoyo-chan. Anyways, he's transferring here to Japan, well, actually…. he's coming to this school today."

I was surprised at this news. A Chinese boy, coming to a foreign country. I mentally racked up all the information I knew on the Li Corporation in Hong Kong. Its head was…

"Yelan Li. That is…his mother, but how can he come here and live while she's the head of the organization?" I did not hide my genuine natural concern for him. Through the years, Sakura has fed me more than enough information on her life through these boredom relieving talks. Even without that, I'd still feel a deep worry. It was instinct; I cared just because.

"He has a caretaker of course, but he's pretty good at taking care of himself…"

My mind skipped over the fact that his family was wealthy and successful and would be able to hire a care giver for him with no effort at all. I nodded absent mindedly.

The remainder of the time passed by with Sakura's light description of Syaoran. There wasn't much I didn't know already from her previous discussions on her childhood friend. I didn't bother pointing this out, especially since it was only a few details.

However, I ended up meeting him and got to know him well.

To this day, I never imagined how well.

* * *

Li Syaoran ended up in science class with me-our only class together that semester. It was also a class I did not share with Sakura-chan, but I was indifferent if not just a bit uncomfortable. I knew no one, and only him indirectly somewhat. It was a bit of a surprise when his name was called and uncomfortable silence issued.

I don't know how long it was until I actually met him. Sakura mentioned to me that his plane was delayed for his mother needed him for a meeting or something to that effect. I remembered thinking why a fourteen year old boy would need to help the head of a corporation, even if he was to be her successor eventually someday. I believe it was a couple of weeks into the course, when we were about to do our first actual lab experiment that he finally arrived.

My first impression of him was not that great. I would have bore no attention to him if not for his name. He appeared ordinary to me at first. A boyish type of hair, a typical messy cut with clothes that mismatched to my professional eye. He walked with a sort of a burdened grace, a hunch in his back due to his pack I supposed although it was not to be nearly that heavy so early on. He walked up to the teacher and affirmed his presence. The teacher made some lame joke about the aliens finally returning our final student to us. Syaoran didn't look pleased but rather bored. A set of amber eyes shone out at me into the light, and that's when I took attention.

He was assigned to a seat far away from the rest of the class, in the aisle with no others due to his late coming. The teacher said for him to gather notes from someone when he had time and to get the handouts on the lab we were to start on today. I already hole punched mine and slipped into my binder, dated. Science was not my forte, and to an extent, I despised it. A part of me looked forward to blowing things up, as rumours said, but this first lab, our first independent lab, looked so very boring.

We were to have one class to complete eight stations. There were instructions to mix each substance and record our observations as to the occurring changes. A lab report was to be due in about two and a half weeks. We were to work in partners or groups.

I already saw a crowd gather around the resident class nerd, who was quite frankly, knowledgeable about everything. Another group of boys already began their experiment at station #5. I quickly grabbed a new person I just met in the class previous- I think her name was Yuka, a common name. She seemed to be a loner in the school, so I took it upon myself to make her feel welcome. Maybe I just didn't want to be the odd one left.

After about three stations, the two of us were utterly lost. We weren't sure if the experiments were going correctly, and after messing up once, we wasted about ten minutes cleaning one of the spills up. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw Syaoran working diligently alone, doing his own experiment alongside two other girls.

"Tomoyo, I'm going to check with Miyu and Aisaki to see if they're doing this right okay?"

I nodded, a part of me already knowing that she wasn't going to come back.

It was only a matter of time before Syaoran and I bumped heads and got to the same station-#6. It was when I first talked to him.

"Do you just want to work together? There's about twenty minutes left and I'm not exactly the fastest person at this."

His voice was a bit rough and tone contradictive. To me, he seemed to be enjoying this and going through the stations lightning fast. But having a partner made the process much faster, that I agreed with.

"Sure, um. Syaoran right?" I asked, acting dumb so I seemed more like an observer with a keen memory rather than an obsessive stalker. People always assumed that when you knew their name from passing.

He nodded. "Sorry, I'm not so good with the names."

"Tomoyo." I supplied.

"Right, so which stations do you have left?"

I took a quick look at my now rather crumpled sheet.

"I have…three, four, and seven left to go."

"Well, I did seven already, so you can just copy off me there-and I'll get your results for two, if you don't mind." Two was the station where Yuka messed up on, the one we were unsure about, but I'll tell him that later.

I felt out of place as Syaoran zoomed past the procedures, but slowed down when it neared a need for accuracy.

"Could you jot down your observations, I don't want to start over." His hand was secure over a small bottle just over the beaker.

"S-sure." I was zoning out; I was sure he knew.

"Bubbling, heat given off, a slight change in colour, and it smells horrendous."

My hand moved on its own accord, but stopped when it got to the smell.

"Horrendous, that sounds scientific." I joked.

Syaoran shrugged in response. "What else can you say?"

"It smells like dentist." I observed.

Against his better judgement, Syaoran sniffed the beaker again, cringing.

"You're right. Maybe I'll search up some formulas for what dentist is composed of and transfer that onto the lab report." His tone was not serious but his eyes were.

I think we completed stations three and four just in the nick of time, although my observations were not as great as I'd preferred. Syaoran made us exchange e-mail addresses so I could send him the observations that he didn't get a chance to copy down.

"You have instant messenger right?"

"Of course," I answered, "if I'm not on, assume I'm dead."

"Well, then there's no excuse not to hand over the information then."

* * *

I remembered to add him to my contacts that night. I even laughed at his e-mail. _ . _Mine was simply my name- _.com ._

I was accepted in about five seconds, or less. I immediately thought he'd start a conversation and ask for the information. I had it laid beside me, along with my various sketches of fashion designs.

After an hour, and after I had already browsed a dozen websites on dress patterns and layouts, I was entitled to start it. I glanced at his name- Syaoran. Clear and simple. Mine was Tomoyo-chan—Stranger. I had an odd habit of changing my private message and my display names to my leisure. It gave me something to occupy myself with, endless sappy poetic forms of expression that probably freaked out half of my friends. Their reactions were amusing to say the least. Those who've known me long just blew past it.

_Tomoyo-chan—Stranger said at 8:04 pm_

_ Would you like the notes now? I'd rather get it off my hands._

_ Syaoran said at 8:05 pm_

_ The report isn't due for some time_

_ you don't have to be so rushed_

_ Tomoyo-chan—Stranger said at 8:05 pm_

_ Sure if that's what you want_

_ btw. That's a really cute e-mail you got there. _

_ Syaoran said at 8:07 pm_

_ … don't ask._

So that was my first conversation with Syaoran. I eventually handed over the information three days later, but I realized that he was just going to be one of the many contacts on my list I never gave a second thought to.

That was my first mistake.

My second mistake was that I knew all that but still kept him on.

A full month passed by, to the bright end of October. I occasionally exchanged notes with Syaoran for I found out that he was quite the science guy. A couple of my friends began to 'steal' his notes in passing, but he didn't seem to mind. All his friends were back in Hong Kong, with the lone exception of Sakura, with whom he shared no classes with. We talked about our ridiculous science teacher in passing, and messaged online about some of our homework. It wasn't more than half an hour a day, so I found it normal. Sakura wasn't on my list, and I rarely talked to anyone else- only sometimes Chiharu about her boyfriend Takashi, and Naoko about her latest story that I'd proofread.

Then December came and Syaoran was no longer just a pen pal.

* * *

_Note: I'm very personally attached to this story. That's all. _


	2. Unrelated

Chapter 2

Unrelated

I had one class with Sakura- English. It was not my favourite class and it was the sole fact that the teacher found some strange talent in me that I simply didn't believe in. I kept up a clear air around me- I have not yet found a single teacher that hated me, or even found me to be indifferent. I had good work ethics, never caused any trouble, and kept myself in check. This teacher, she was sweet and perfectly kind if not on the quiet side a bit. However, she seemed to have a growing distaste for Sakura's various antics during her class- such as dozing off or half doodling of Yukito (or more like his name over and over), her brother's best friend and her long time crush.

Sometimes we'd simply fall into an awkward silence and Syaoran would be the topic we resort to. It wasn't to say that we had nothing else to speak of; but long years of friendship and being with one another left little else that was new. I learned that Sakura was quite the tease, insulting him almost if it wasn't her who was saying it. Syaoran would be indifferent, but after a couple of years, he began reciprocating the action. The two now lived very close to one another, so Sakura's stories began to take on a longer turn and still made me laugh occasionally. Sometimes, I thought Sakura liked him from the way her eyes twinkled, or how many times his name would come up in our conversations. But I'd never hear more than their usual tactics in rioting each other up. Her faith and dedication to Yukito was still there, and she still hasn't given up on it.

I and Sakura were cousins, but Syaoran seemed like a brother. He has known her longer than I have Sakura, even if he lived in China for more than half that time. Slowly, I began meeting Sakura at her locker, which was just a few steps down from Syaoran's, whereas I had a locker next to Rika-chan down the hall and to the right of that. I went out of my way to see her instead of just hanging around at lunch. She had so many friends from her classes now. I knew it wasn't her fault but I still felt lonely.

Now I spent my lunches with Chiharu, Rika and Naoko. Sakura no longer sat with us, instead going out to lunch with Syaoran and their friends from music. I saw her outside of school all the time so I thought nothing of it. I took vocals, so I only knew one boy in their crowd who conveniently took two arts courses; instrumental music as well as vocals. Well, he wasn't an official vocal student, but I knew him nonetheless. He was absolutely amazing at piano, so sometimes he comes down to our vocal class to accompany us while the teacher is busy. He didn't seem to mind, ever always polite and graceful. I was sure they were doing something to pay his kindness with. At first I assumed grades, but then I asked Sakura about it and she giggled in surprise. I distinctively felt a grip on my heart in that split moment, fearing as if I had just made a fool of myself and slipped up my façade.

"Tomoyo-chan, Eriol-kun has a pretty high average- I think the teachers are just taking advantage of his kindness, and the fact that even if he missed a couple of English classes, he'd still get perfect."

Two questions rang out in my head, so I said them both.

"How high is his average?"

"Is he that good at English?"

Sakura looked around and tiptoed to whisper in my ear. With a gasp, I comprehended those words.

"But he doesn't even look foreign!" With midnight blue hair, I was probably kidding myself. But I knew foreigners would dye their hair as easily as people here would to look in style. A lot of people doubted the naturalness of my raven coloured hair which appeared purple under the light, but I knew the truth and I never let it bother me. Perhaps it was the same that way. His hair appeared natural, or maybe it was just dyed fairly well, I couldn't be sure. And to be frank, I never cared until that moment in time.

That was my first real impression of Hiiragizawa Eriol outside of vocal class. Having lived abroad in London, I assumed it was a pretty good reason to skip English class for accompanying us on the piano. It probably explained his natural talent at the oboe too. He wasn't a _god_ at it, but good enough to be section leader and to retain solos.

Gradually, I began to greet Eriol, just in passing at first, with a few fake smiles or a laugh. He'd do the same back and then fall right back into Sakura's side. I never took offense, for Sakura's description of his academic success had me believing he had reason to find me nothing more than an acquaintance. I was that to quite a lot of people. We never talked until I knew him as one of Sakura's friends after all.

I told myself I never minded. Sakura was the more popular one, the one with the boys hanging off her arm if she needed them to be. She always joked about them too, and how she could not get rid of them even if she tried. Other girls were jealous of her of course, I think somewhere, sometime, I was too. But some the guys she attracted were perhaps a little more than strange. Maybe it was because she was so kind that everyone loved her, and were not afraid to display as such.

As a side note, I did include Eriol in that category. However charming and dashing he was, Eriol was still a boy and as such teased girls almost mercilessly. There were those from our old school that were interested in her, those she dated briefly and those she shattered the hearts of. Sakura dated others for short amounts of time because she knew that her brother would throw a raging fit if he ever knew she was even going out. It began because she felt bad about rejecting them. In her own way, dating someone was the same as being friends, except a bit more special. She figured that it would not do her much harm, despite what Touya repetitively told her otherwise. Hence, her dates were barely dates, and that's how she liked it. After a couple of weeks or even months once, she'd gently let them down or they'd agree to go their separate ways. I was always the one she told first; with a sad little smile that they had seen it coming from miles away and that they never expected her to accept their invitations for a night's out. Of course, there was also the Yukito factor- which guaranteed an imminent break up in their short future.

That Sakura was. Gentle through and through. However, I think the boys got to her a little, and it's becoming more apparent each day. She no longer wished to date her friends, those she would have felt uncomfortable near if they broke up- right, **when** they broke up. She'd get over her crushes quickly and without them ever finding out. Sometimes she'd refuse to admit she even liked them with a cute little laugh. But otherwise, she'd pretend she did not know the names of her admirers or even that she had them to avoid them asking her questions. Already, she rejected a shy computer genius from her Japanese class with uncharacteristic cruelty and came out of it nonchalant. I didn't like that Sakura.

Then again, she cried that night for hours and I never did find out why it bothered her so. She had variety, choice; any girl would've died for the chance to pick a guy off their arm. Even I was curious why she didn't love all the attention. Maybe she did but didn't act it. She liked simple things and that was probably why she acted so oblivious all those years. Most of the time it was not a fake demeanour, but those times it was, I felt utterly horrible. I never said it, but I was sure that she knew that I loved her and accepted her, and would always be by her side.

Then I began seeing them go out for lunch every day from the side door close to my locker. It became a regular procedure, and I even bumped into them once while out eating with Naoko. I saw her laughing at something Syaoran said, his amber eyes intense but so softly kind.

* * *

_Tomoyo-chan—doesn't know said at 7:34 pm_

_ Syaoran, what's the science homework for tonight?_

_ Syaoran said at 7:38 pm_

_ Pg 145, questions 2 through 8. To be handed in._

_ Tomoyo-chan—doesn't know said at 7:38 pm_

_ Thanks~ _

_ So what's with your private message? 'Love is a curse'?_

_ Syaoran said at 7:40 pm_

_ It is; it curses everyone to feel something that will ultimately come back and hurt you, how else would you describe that other than a curse?_

_ Tomoyo-chan—doesn't know said at 7:40 pm_

_ It sounds personal, that's all I'm saying. Is it?_

_ Syaoran said at 7:40 pm_

_ Pm can stand for personal message, take it how you want_

_ Tomoyo-chan—doesn't know said at 7:40 pm_

_ You like someone Syaoran, don't you?_

_ Syaoran said at 7:41 pm_

_ Doesn't everyone? ._

_ Tomoyo-chan—doesn't know said at 7:41 pm_

_ I suppose so, do I know her?_

_ Syaoran said at 7:43 pm_

_ …when have you become so into my affairs?_

_ Tomoyo-chan—doesn't know said at 7:43 pm_

_ It's not just you, trust me._

_ It's everyone, don't feel special. ; )_

_ Syaoran said at 7:46 pm_

_ I wasn't going to feel special, whatever you're intending with that wink_

_ Tomoyo-chan—doesn't know said at 7:46 pm_

_ C'mon, tell me!_

_ Syaoran said at 7:49 pm_

_ But it's so… _

_ Nevermind_

_

* * *

_

November passed by in a flash to me. My days became like routine. By day I yawned and by night I talked with Syaoran. Our chats have become increasingly longer. Our topics were getting weirder and weirder and I don't even know how our initial purpose for swapping e-mails turned into this massive conversation chain. He saved the conversations because it was automatic; I disabled mine. Once in the middle, he said that we talked too much and that he had to delete some of the history. I laughed out loud for the first time throughout our talks, the first time that felt genuine in a long time. That night, I silently thanked Sakura. If not for her, I would have never befriended this strange boy, at least that's what I thought. She was what linked us together, what avoided the awkwardness that I was so used to without my usual antics of hiding it all. He didn't make me hide as much. I could be free on the internet; I could be. Just be.

Sometimes during lunch, I'd occasionally mention some of our conversations to Chiharu, who'd tilt her head in concern as to who Syaoran was. I just referred to him as the science nerd from then on. That was simpler than his name, Chiharu decided, and so it was, a little personal joke of sorts, one that he would probably not take very well and mockingly make fun of later.

But we had no more science labs, and so there were no more excuses to work with Syaoran. For our next group project, even Yuka wasn't at my side. She had already gone to work with Miyu and that girl, Tara, assuming she'd have an easier time I suppose. I didn't judge her, the thought momentarily crossed my mind too but I wasn't willing to work with someone who was sure to make me feel bad about my inferior science skills. That's what I told myself, but I guess I was a bit intimidated as well. I didn't want to be seen as weaker than, and that thought alone was enough to force me to seek an alternative.

I and Aisaki came together, looking for those who did not have groups. Tara's filled up almost immediately, and I saw Syaoran just kind of hanging around the guys, who probably knew of his intellect but wondered if accepting him would be the best thing to do or would just drag them down socially wise. Syaoran was not the best at opening up, I should know. After a few more minutes, Suki and Lina joined our small ensemble. I didn't know both of them very well, but after a class, they seemed easy enough to get along with. I let myself fall into the easy conversation Lina began and the time just seemed to drown that period. Talking with them was not work, something I found salvation in somewhat.

It was only at the end of the period that I realized that Syaoran had no group. It was my sincerest desire to ask him to join ours, but I felt that it'd just create awkwardness in mine, since we still made no progress in talking outside of the comfort of the computer world. The minute before the bell, Syaoran was placed in Tara's group. He nonchalantly joined the group of four girls and the sight made me almost want to ask him to join ours instead. Again, I swiftly kicked the thought out of my head. I'd go about ignoring him like I do most people at first- yet again, and Syaoran was no exception. I was outgoing, yes, but not to that extent, and certainly not because I wanted to. I could smile and love, if the conversation began from _their _side. Syaoran was not much better than I was so it was easy that way. Sakura began our friendship- the only one that really counted in my books and that was probably why it was the only one that truly lasted. It takes effort to get to know me and Syaoran wasn't into that. And again, I didn't mind.

But the fact that Syaoran probably knew me more than I had realized scared me more than it should have.

* * *

_Tomoyo-chan-Written in the Stars said at 6:40 pm_

_ How's your science project going?_

_ Syaoran said at 6:42 pm_

_ It's not. We're meeting up this weekend to finish it, well, really. Start it._

_ I'm working on my final activity instead._

_ Tomoyo-chan-Written in the Stars said at 6:42 pm_

_ Oh. I was just thinking how unreasonable our teacher is. . He keeps assigning multiple assignments together. They're due so soon too._

_ Syaoran said at 6:43 pm_

_ I suppose, it's just getting us ready for later right? _

_ Besides, science is the only class I don't fall asleep in._

_ Tomoyo-chan-Written in the Stars said at 6:43 pm_

_ I don't know about that. Generally sure, but remember that time he put on that video about the galaxy?_

_ Syaoran said at 6:43 pm_

_ Oh wow. I totally forgot about that._

_ I must've fallen asleep that class. : ) Ignore the contradiction, well, take whichever one you believe more.

* * *

_

The projects were completed in due time. Aisaki did a marvellous job with content, although our teacher certainly didn't see it that way. It wasn't a horrible mark, though I would've appreciated it if our teacher didn't read out all the marks with more than enough comments to the entire class. Tara's group got an astonishing report on their video. Syaoran didn't seem to be too happy, but I suppose that was because he was used to it.

A few months later, I found out that he was not involved in it at all. He and Tara switched projects; she would do the editing and sound clipping, all the technical stuff, as long as he did her geography assignment that she had been putting off. At that moment, I found that Tara was really more like us than I had previously presumed. I felt closer to her already.

But that was not the point.

In December, my conversations with Syaoran increased exponentially. As soon as I signed on, he'd start chatting about something random-something, anything. We had gone through so many corners that we looked up online quizzes as attempts to get to know each other better. Needless to say, it did get us to know each other better. At least, I think it did. There was truly too much to keep track of, and I probably couldn't list more than a few even if I had racked my brain for hours.

My sleeping time decreased as these conversations increased. I slept later and later, waiting for him to return from his showers or unable, or rather unwilling to leave. Once he pleaded me to stay until 11:11, just to make a wish.

I don't know why I accepted and why his positive reaction made me beam-especially since it was virtual and I couldn't really tell if it was even real or not. If others could not see through me and my secrets, then I would never count on my ability to look at theirs as if it was a one way glass.

But I did.

And I haven't slept earlier than that ever since.

* * *

It was only a matter of time before others began to learn of our interactions with each other. I wasn't going to lie and say it wasn't my fault. Some part of me wanted to be acknowledged as having someone significant who wished to talk to me, more than just a sideline friend, one you could hang out in case your best buddy was sick or on a field trip. He initiated almost all of our conversations, and when I grew agonizingly bored, I'd start it. He'd reply with a grin smiley and mockingly gasp at the fact that I started the talk.

I didn't know when I began to slip. Syaoran began to catch me more and more, talking to him as if I knew him forever. I strangely felt comforted by him- simply because I _didn't _interact with him in real life, saving myself inevitably from the awkwardness that was sure to arise. Syaoran lived a simple life if he was the one retelling it, since he'd simplify everything down as it was. He was an only child, an heir to a prestigious company that could only serve to benefit him in the future. It didn't hinder his life, nor did it cause him misery. On the contrary, it taught him how to live on his own and deal with those older than him, socially and politely. In every way, I thought he was insanely inhuman. He knew how to play the violin and the French horn. He could paint. He was hopeless at singing, although I didn't believe him until we went to karaoke and he brought the house down in a less than pleasant manner. He could play soccer with dignity and athletic grace. He knew facts that intrigued his classmates. His way of talking was strange, a source of entertainment to his friends. He could read people like an open book.

He read me better than I expected. Sometimes his guesses were way off the mark and I couldn't help but laugh. However, Syaoran was persistent in whatever he did. He eventually got me to trust him with my little secrets. Since he barely interacted with anyone _I _knew, I figured it wasn't much to give up. (That is to say, I did not take Sakura into the equation).

He never spoke of them, so I suppose I made the correct choice back then.

But he was also arrogant in some ways. He was lazy and hated to work anymore than he had to, although his exterior would prove otherwise. He preferred short cuts but settled for no less than his best. When he was in doubt, he'd go into a paranoid rage almost, and if he had more hair he'd tear it out. He was shy some other times; staying solemn as if his life was simply that horrid but that was just…side insecurity. He made sarcastic jokes and sometimes had no empathy for other people's feelings. When he fell in a slump, he'd try to bring everyone down with him. He was bored, constantly, with his genius that he'd never admit, and I spent more time trying to entertain him than myself. (I didn't mind, that is to say).

I was what he called his 'psychologist'. I brought him out of his slumps. I felt more human than I had for a long time after learning and talking to Syaoran. When he told me I knew more about him than his family probably, I felt loved, needed, much more so after my parents' separation. He thought it was just a nice thing to do; the sentence probably meant little to nothing as a side comment. Before then, I held guys to a strict standard. Probably a stereotype after I grew out of elementary school and everyone changed. Syaoran shattered all of those with space to spare. He never stopped taunting that fact either- not that he meant to, but he did in everything that he did.

But that eventual question was lingering at the back of our minds. I made no attempt at hiding the fact that I found pleasure in our conversations, something to look forward to. I've told him so on several occasions. He found it a source of comfort, replying with the same when I asked about why his life was boring.

* * *

_Syaoran said at 9:16 pm_

_ There isn't much to look forward to; if you know what I mean._

_ Tomoyo-chan – every song said at 9:18 pm_

_ Well, I think I do._

_ But it can't be that bad?_

_ I mean, I like photography, sometimes math when I'm not asleep. Lunch of course…talking with you each night. When I sing, when I draw… write? Need I go on?_

_ Syaoran said at 9:19 pm_

_ I only look forward to, well… science? Music… maybe. Lunchtime…_

_ Afterschool with Sakura…_

_ And I guess talking… I guess…

* * *

_

I could've figured something was wrong the moment he typed _I guess_ twice with a string of dots. I was smart enough to feign stupidity when I needed to, so I knew the trail of periods meant uncertainty. I felt a bit hurt when I was not top of the list, but then I realized I didn't quite put him up there either. We haven't known each other all that long, so I put it past my mind. Perhaps his light hearted nature was beginning to wane down my way of thinking.

Yet with all that we talked about, it was still a sad reality that I haven't told him much about myself. I was a master at steering people off topic, by accident or on purpose. At one time, I felt guilty that he was sharing more than I was-but nothing important. But we always landed on Sakura.

He'd tell me about his childhood with her, how they'd be the ones to latch together because Touya was too old. They were the same age and they didn't have a lot in common but Sakura knew how to entertain someone. She made fun of herself, even danced with him. Syaoran told me that he had failed miserably even back then, but it was considered a sufficient time waster and hell, he enjoyed it.

I in turn offered my own times with Sakura. I was always content with myself, and my family until the inevitable split- yes, it was inevitable in my opinion sadly- and hence, I learned more and much faster than others due to the lack of a normal life per say. It didn't feel strange to divulge the information to him-my friends all knew of my parents, just not how much I really cared about the matter.

He replied with swift and diplomatic courtesy. So much so, that I somehow doubted that he even read what I wrote and understood it. That was one of my fears. That after all the LOLs, and the ):s and the I'm sorrys, that he was just saying what was expected- like I often did- in search of something. Something. He could know all my dirty little secrets in my closet and I might not even have thought so because he didn't seem to care all that much. Then again, Syaoran didn't care about anything really.

He missed his life in China. When he came, the only familiar thing he knew was Sakura. He appreciated my friendship and I his, but Sakura was of a larger scale. Her family knew him explicitly well. Touya never took him as a danger nor a threat, and Yukito loved everyone. Fujitaka, Sakura's father, loved his polite and confident nature and often invited him over for dinner. I always thought I was her closest friend until then.

Perhaps I was. I think I am. But he was so intricately tied to her that I was impossibly left out. Back then, when my mother was still somewhat attempting to salvage what she had, we were close as we were expected to be. We had those dinners and tea parties and trips to the park while my mother would throw insults at Sakura's father as he laughed it off by beating her at one of her self-induced failures. We were tight, bound, and when she mentioned Syaoran, I always thought of him as a pen pal. Much like what he and I were now.

I took a closer look at us, and it scared me.

My friendship with Sakura had not deteriorated. But everything else had. I couldn't remember a time when I didn't mention him to Rika, didn't point out his help to Chiharu, didn't tell Takashi one of his jokes. It was only a few months, it was only a handful of conversations, insanity really on our parts, we barely saw each other and we barely knew each other's voices. We couldn't see each other in our mind's eye and didn't even know each other's routines.

But we knew each other's pasts and families. We talked about our classes, teachers, marks, schedules. We asked each other questions, academically and otherwise. We exchanged titles on bestsellers and sent each other links to interesting webpages. I asked him on advice on my newest design templates and their colour schemes and he asked me to look over his literary essay. We knew where each other lived and what foods we disliked. We knew Sakura.

Was that even enough? To know almost everything about a person, to be taken as the truth, all through little letters on a screen late at night while completing our homework at the same time? I didn't know if it counted. If I could count Syaoran as one of my best- or even just my friend. We don't shop together, like me and Rika often does on weekends. We don't celebrate at the water parks after an exam like the tradition we had since elementary school. We don't even make eye contact.

But Syaoran, he was every bit a part of my day as every one of those other things. He was sometimes the highlight of my day, what cheered me up. He gave me help, he gave me interest, he was a light bulb that was brilliant even when it dimmed in the day. He gave me need, he gave me yearning, he gave me desire to help him with whatever he was upset over or couldn't quite catch anything within his wide net of a mind. He was my smile of the day, my first smile of the year, he was my find and my treasure and he knew me enough and accepted me. Even Sakura didn't know some of the details I divulged to Syaoran because I knew she'd take sympathy, or simply forget as she tended to do. But I loved her all the same.

He was my find and my life up until the end of December, as the school year had been fairly uneventful, mind you. He was not so important if there were bigger things to worry about. He was a presence, he was Syaoran.

And no matter how hard I tried to fight it, every day, he'd remind me, knowingly or not.

He was not my find. He was Sakura's.

* * *

A/N: I cannot believe it's been more than half a year since I updated (or uploaded I should say) this fic. I'm not sure if anyone's still following it, but like I said, it's rather personal, and it'll be written accordingly. Feel free to drop by a review. It's not necessary of course, because this fic, and I think, almost all fics, should be written because the author wishes it to be.


	3. Unacceptable

Lux Aeterna

Chapter 3

Unacceptable

The holidays were always a highlight of any student's academic career. That included me.

It was, however, not to relax and sleep and eat away my holidays. Oh no, I had much grander plans in mind. Sakura had agreed to come over for one of my new projects, and although I had outgrown my love for videotaping quicker than my love for the area of fashion, I was planning to try making a video of what would turn into an eventual photo shoot.

It was going to be eventful, and I needed that.

But like anything else, high school always managed to surprise me into a swirl of mysteries. One of them was the winter semi-formal.

We've always had informal dances before. I even designed the costumes for our grade six play centred around the masquerade ball, when Sakura managed to step on Takashi's foot four times in just two rotations. It ruined the mood, but no one was counting on a masterpiece. I still had the video, because it was, frankly, adorable.

A semi-formal was different. Name-wise, I would've thought it was half of a formal. Half the length, half the formality, half the fun, half the price.

It wasn't.

At least, it wasn't advertised as much. I swear, the school was out of creativity, and I was going to run for this council one day because 'winter wonderland' was definitely a theme long lost on anything new the world had to offer.

Needless to say, it was not on my list of things to do.

Sakura thought it a great idea. I had never been able to say no to her, no matter what my intentions, whether it be that it be an excuse for me to make another dress or just spend time with her outside of school purposes. Those times have dwindled, as I expected because that's what high school was supposed to do, but that made it more precious.

She was going to keep it a secret.

It inevitably got out.

The requests for dates flooded in right after. I paid them no attention because obviously if Sakura couldn't handle it herself Touya would do it for her. I worked on her semi formal gown, a red halter type that seemed classical of the holidays. Sakura looked gorgeous in everything, so the colour choice didn't bother me so much. I worked while she turned down guy after guy even after they declared that they had no intentions other than a dance or two. I worked while she wondered.

I worked while she realized she had to take someone just to be rid of it all.

"Wouldn't you rather them just tell you? If they liked you I mean."

Sakura turned to me and shook her head weakly. "They don't, not really. Do you remember the beginning?"

I shook my head, hands intricately smoothing over the red fabric.

"I was just the girl who was good at sports, who wasn't afraid to act, who was herself through and through. But then I became the girl who was too nice to say no, who was an easy date as a last resort and a pretty face to look at who always had a dress to spare. I don't want that Tomoyo-chan, I- I just want to be sure, that's all."

I inwardly cringed when she mentioned the dresses, a truth I would not exaggerate.

"I get it. Do you still want to go? Maybe not going would be easier Sakura-chan. If it's causing you this much trouble-"

Sakura made a sound of disagreement, pushing herself off the carpet.

"No. I said it'd be fun, and they're not going to change that for me." And that's what I loved most about her. "Besides, your newest creation looks beautiful Tomoyo-chan. I'd hate to see your work wasted."

Over the years, my creations had gotten less, creative per say, and more elegant, simple, able to pass without a long wonderment or two.

The next day, Sakura politely declined the offer of a sophomore, saying that she already has agreed to someone else. When he asked her who, with gentle curiosity, Sakura smiled weakly and replied: "Eriol Hiiragizawa."

* * *

"Oh yes. It's platonic, don't worry about it. I'll take good care of her." He winked in vocals class while warming up on the piano, his fingers glided over the keys like clear bells.

"You better. Thank you for that."

"I didn't have plans either way. It's my pleasure to do her a favour."

I sang while guessing what the problem was. Eriol was a friend and Sakura trusted him enough at least for him to pretend with her, for her. Sakura wanted someone, sweet and loving and who genuinely understood her. She needed someone who was true, and I was sad to admit that she probably had the right idea. Receiving so many requests in such a short period of time, all from different people no less, only stood as a testament to how others perceived Sakura.

To me, Sakura was intelligent. She was unbelievably adorable, caring, dedicated. She put herself into everything and she had just the brightest smile. To me, she was a person who put friendship first, who was fiercely independent.

To everyone else, Sakura was gorgeous. She was unattainable and her heart beat with an aura of kindness. Sakura was firstly easy to get along with and not at all willing to hurt others. She was simple; she was beautiful. She was playing hard to get and that's what made everyone want her more. Take that chance. Worst case scenario; get shot down with a sympathetic frown. Best case scenario; get to hold hands with Sakura Kinomoto and achieve bragging rights.

"Tomoyo, may I see you for a moment?"

I had long mastered the art of multitasking my thoughts so I figured that it was not relating to my singing performance. Song was something that was drilled into my very being; it wouldn't have been broken.

"Yes?"

The vocals teacher, Ms. Jayen beamed at me. A part of me felt relief that this occasion was not an unpleasant one.

"Oh, Eriol, would you mind staying for just a few minutes? I'll write you a note for your next period class." She called out to the retrieving Eriol.

Eriol nodded distinctly, shooting back a gentleman's smile before trotting back to the piano.

"You two are freshmen, so I don't expect you to know all the events of the school year. I'm sure you two have plans for the upcoming April talent show but that's just me. I'd like to invite both of you to the annual spring arts showcase. The auditorium will be displaying the students' art and creative impulses with numbers from our students. The music program has opted this year to perform for the school wide assembly, but I was wondering if you two would be interested in performing in the night gala? It would be for a smaller audience, more intimate, and I'm sure you two would do a good job. I'm opting to select just a few students in each of my classes but the choice is ultimately up to you."

Ms. Jayen was a sweet young woman but she often got ahead of herself when she got excited. That much was obvious. She didn't bother hiding her blatant favourism- in this case, in favour of me. I wasn't going to complain, but nor was I a big fan of it. She had reason to; one thing that I was not going to be shy about was my voice. What kind of a singer loathed to sing in front of others? Especially if they thought themselves inadequate?

"I would have to think about it Ms. Jayen." Eriol's voice broke me out of my thoughts.

Ms. Jayen smiled like usual, almost in a rush.

"Of course of course! Get back to me when you can. We have plenty of time but it's better to be prepared no? Thank you both very much. Do either of you require a note? I'll just write one here really quickly…"

I didn't bother telling her that my English class was not at all strict on the late policy.

* * *

The break came, and I had just completed Sakura's dress. She fit it flawlessly, partly because I always had her measurements handy but also because she was every fashion designer's dream. It fell just below her knees, like gentle waves, pale and frail.

The event was in a few weeks' time still, and I was already bored.

I was done.

It half killed me to be disappointed, turning on the instant messenger and not seeing Syaoran's name there, green and available, plain as day.

I never wanted my break to turn out this way, and I didn't even know when my self-reliance dwindled down to near nothing. High school, it changed nothing. I felt lonelier than ever and it wasn't the peaceful calm that I had previously enjoyed.

So I went outside days before the New Year, by myself, and I sang.

I sang of sentimental break ups and new found friendships and the shine of a newly made star. I sang of phrases that just came to mind as I tainted the snow beneath shivering trees and branches and I took the roundabout long way into the marketplace, the small centre of booming activity, especially at this time of year.

And I saw Eriol, walking out of the crowd with a long woolen black overcoat, walking towards me like it was the most natural thing in the world and it took me a few more seconds to truly assess my situation and shut my mouth awkwardly.

Crap, my façade just totally fell away from me.

I figured it wasn't too late to make up for it, so I began doing the same, walking towards him in small steps, digging my heel into every movement to stall for time as my mind raced, placing a careful smile back on my face.

"Daidouji-san."

So much for that.

"Eriol-kun, I thought I said mutual respect was only right. Call me Tomoyo, please. I do insist."

He smiled back at me and my mannerisms I presume, the overly formal tone for which I had approached him with. Again, Eriol had always struck me as a sort of enigma, a gentleman through and through (and Sakura would be safe with him, definitely). I did as I saw fit.

"Alright Tomoyo-san." His tone was mocking, that I was sure of, but I chose to ignore the issue all the same.

"So, what brings you out here?"

"I was actually just looking for some new sheet music in town. I had been considering Ms. Jayen's offer tentatively as I browsed the material and I found some pieces that might be adequate for the occasion but I hadn't made up my mind, well, until now." He explained deliberately, tilting his head ever-so-slightly to assess my reaction. I was well trained in the art of reading people, especially when it was being applied to myself.

"You mean Ms. Jayen's proposition that we perform something together?"

"Yes. Originally I didn't think it'd be a good idea because piano-voice duets tend to just brush over me as a listener but now I think I've been persuaded otherwise to give this a chance. I'd like to work with you for the April show, if you wouldn't mind."

Absolutely polite, considerate, flawless to the chilling bone, and I was wearing four layers. It was evident that he had heard me.

That- and I were pretty sure I was blushing- as red as Sakura's cheeks go.

"You don't have to decide now Tomoyo-san. If you have some time, I'd like to show you some possible song choices. I can't possibly decide if the vocalist isn't willing to perform it after all."

He was teasing me terribly, like Sakura had always warned me of when it came to Eriol Hiiragizawa.

"Okay then Eriol-kun. Let's go."

And when he bowed slightly and offered his forearm to me, I laughed and took it in jest as we walked the way he came.

* * *

Perhaps just like Eriol had been persuaded by my need to belt out some notes absentmindedly outside, I had been persuaded by his taste in music. He was quite good in distinguishing my voice range and gave several good suggestions for which he'd consider audience captivating. We fought over some choices and I threw his argument right back at him, saying that the vocalist is the focus of the performance after all. I didn't truly mean it, but as stereotypes go, the accompanist is hardly recognized save for a solo here and there. Eriol raised his eyebrow simply, took the piece that we were examining at that moment and improvised the most breathtaking rendition of that song I had ever had the pleasure to hear.

My expectations are not that low mind you; Eriol was a genius.

I stared in awe for quite some time as he looked back at me with that devious smile of his and I knew that we were going to get along quite well.

I remember saying to him that perhaps he should just solo that and I'll mouth the words because no one's going to be paying attention to me after hearing that.

We decided on two, bought them and took our own parts home, saying we'd discuss it after the break. It was a pleasant encounter that I had not expected. Nevertheless, Eriol was a nice guy and I found it easy to talk to him, in a way that was different from Syaoran (whom I still missed, away in Hong Kong).

Eriol left with a wave, acknowledging my last words being that Sakura's dress was red.

* * *

The last days of break, I spent doodling new designs in my sketchbook on my bed, thinkingof whether or not Syaoran was going to the semi-formal.

The night before we were going back to school, he appeared on my messenger and I felt strangely free as soon as I clicked on his name.

_Tomoyo~ taking chances said at 9:22pm_

_ Welcome back~_

_ Syaoran said at 9:22pm_

_ Thanks. _

_ Tomoyo~ taking chances said at 9:22pm_

_ Did you have a good break?_

_ Syaoran said at 9:23pm_

_ It was alright I suppose… nothing special. You?_

_ Tomoyo~ taking chances said 9:23pm_

_ Oh I finish designing Sakura's semi dress. On that note, are you going this year?_

I was not very good with subtlety, but at least this way, he couldn't see my face.

_Syaoran said at 9:24pm_

_ I don't really see the point of it. _

_ Tomoyo~ taking chances said at 9:24pm_

_ Oh that's not true! It'll be fun. _

_ Syaoran said at 9:24pm_

_ I don't really know anyone, nor do I really want to dance… it's a little, much._

_ Tomoyo~ taking chances said at 9:24pm_

_ Not even to keep me company?_

_ Syaoran said at 9:24pm_

_ Won't you have Sakura?_

_ Tomoyo~ taking chances said at 9:24pm_

_ She's going with Eriol-kun, I thought you knew._

_ Syaoran said at 9:33pm_

_ No I didn't. _

_ I don't think I'll go this time, maybe next year? _

_ Tomoyo~ taking chances said at 9:34pm_

_ You're going to miss out!_

I stared blankly and dumbly at the screen for the next half an hour and while his status didn't change, neither did my screen.

It was obvious that Syaoran was a little more than surprised at Sakura's decision. I hadn't planned on revealing that fact to him until I had already pressed enter, but it was simply because they were close that I figured it would've come up during lunch conversation or whatnot.

The worst part was, as I turned off my laptop for the night, I realized why exactly I wanted to know if Syaoran was going.

That offhanded remark about keeping me company? I meant it wholeheartedly.

If I didn't like Syaoran, then it must be something very close to it.

And now his answer was making me think otherwise about my own attendance, as stupid as that sounded to me as I had been so invested in it.

It was one rejection, nothing new.

_But it felt so terribly personal._

I was not asking him out. It's Syaoran; I was only inquiring, persuading- a little.

I might as well have though.

It'd be the same.

* * *

A/N: I had actually lost all interest in this story until I realized it was recently screaming for closure. It is not going to be as long as I intended years ago as the situation no longer calls out to me as it used to. But I will try, if not only for myself.


	4. Unheard

Chapter 4

Unheard

Snow was always something fascinating for me. The beauty of winter was not lost upon me. While every season held their own secret scent, I had always adored winter perhaps most of all. In the past, it was spring, the slow blooming of the flowers, the smooth song carried by the wind, the rippling smile of Sakura.

But winter had always had its own intrigue.

The semi formal was tomorrow.

* * *

Despite the ache of a 'rejection', (can I even call it that? It wasn't technically a question…) I was still rather involved with the dance itself. I was going to go, albeit alone…

Loneliness just did not sit well with me. Solitude was a different feeling.

And so I rolled the violet dress over my head, my signature colour of sorts, and zipped myself up easily enough. Some skills come when you design outfit after outfit. I patiently curled my hair, watching the large curls become more accentuated around my body. The heat whirled to a stop, eventually, and I grabbed my purse, left without a second thought.

It's easy to do things when there's no one tying you down and in a large house like this, it's almost guaranteed. (so alone) I was used to this, the trickling sense of someone watching me all the time, or just feeling my own heart echoing within the walls, hearing the footsteps of my mother coming upstairs at early hours in the morning and knowing she wouldn't be there when I woke up. There were so few interactions I've fallen independent a long time ago, and she was a wonderful mother. She indulged me in my hobbies, never once questioning the direction of my life and how much she was _spending _on cameras and silk. My father sent greetings and was always kind and listening when he was there.

But that was the issue. I always smiled because I had to, keep up the persona, make it fill the empty spaces, like those of my home. I had many things but they couldn't have me. My parents, while attentive, were just simply absent. And in a way that was far worse than being distant. I learned how to do my own makeup and I learned to sew. They bought the blush and the machine but it was me who sought out the teachings.

And now it was settling in more than ever. I had rehearsed with Eriol once more before and it was striking even now, the conversation that seemed to just hang off in the air when the subject of family was approached. Eriol breached it very slightly himself, and I knew he was also not a big fan, so we ventured to music, selections, artistry, future aspirations, and passing jokes. It was easy and I had missed it.

It reminded me of Syaoran, before the break. It wasn't conscious, but yet it was, me recoiling from Syaoran's conversations after the semi formal question. I hadn't asked him directly and he hadn't said anything wrong or offensive or anything of the sort, and yet I built up a barrier in retaliation.

Syaoran, in turn, hadn't seemed to care.

Or maybe he was too dense to notice; that was the greater possibility.

* * *

The semi formal itself was quite cute. The decorations easy going, spread out nicely, the refreshments tasteful and plentiful, the music vibrant and singsong, the passing general lure of the holidays without none of the specifics past by. I saw Chiharu and Takashi bickering in a corner of the gymnasium but dancing quite close at the same time, Takashi pretending to recoil from her words sheepishly. I spotted Naoko skipping along the table of pastries and Rika wasn't in the room. I couldn't see Syaoran, and that somehow came as a silent surprise. He had told me he wasn't coming, yet I was still looking for him, as if he lied to me on a daily basis and I had to prove myself he was wrong or something. How ridiculous.

Sakura- I'd go find Sakura.

Downing the last of my mixed fruit punch, I recycled my cup and went looking for that beautiful red I had handpicked months ago. It should have been easy to spot except the gym was dimly lit with sparkles all around and even the most neon colours turned into a tuned flat matte. The song turned upbeat instead of lyrical and suddenly bodies around me were bursting with energy, bouncing up and down and the wave of raised hands made it impossible for me to delve further.

I contemplated briefly about shouting over the music and then laughed that idea off, as well as physically venturing into the mash of heat in the centre of the gymnasium. Fluffing out the bottom of my dress, I sat on an off bench and glanced over at Naoko.

"Why are you not dancing Naoko-chan?"

"Why aren't you?"

Naoko replied automatically before she even looked up, scrunched her face a bit in the darkness but didn't take back her words.

"This type of dancing's not quite what I expected. I'm more into elegance, the waltz, twirling across the dance floor, that type of thing." I mused softly.

"That sounds like you alright, but high school's not really a place for grand romance The greatest romances in literature depict otherwise but you have to examine the time, and Tomoyo-chan we're just not in it anymore- no more handwritten letters or extended courtships, and it's quite a shame, a loss of tradition, of long awaited wooing of waiting maidens…!"

Naoko was clearly engrossed in another genre as of late. But she had quite a point. There were simple straight out asking outs that now substituted the old ways of courtship, hiding relationships from parents and making out in an abandoned hallway an hour after school. Instead of the romantic waltz, there were slow dances where people hardly moved their feet and instead of the sexy tangoes and salsas it was now replaced with half-hearted grinds against jeans. It was a shift in time I could understand but still feel slightly disappointed in.

The song blurred to a slow halt, and then the murmur of a woman's voice, probably soprano, whispering words of longing.

Slow dance, great.

A good number of people left the dance floor in a messy, albeit quick, manner. No one wanted to be on the floor still when they had no one to take their hand. There were mostly seniors and juniors there now, and that was when I spotted them- Sakura and Eriol in the back of the gymnasium, hand in hand.

Sakura had done nothing special with her appearance and she didn't have to. Her hair was loose and adorned with a red ribbon at the back, complimenting her sandals and the curl of the neck tie for her dress. She and Eriol were chatting, but her arm was resting on Eriol's arm like mine was that time outside in the market, the other resting loosely over his shoulder and curled over his neck. It was a simple dance, and I was yet entranced. Eriol was not raised here; he knew the old customs and I knew it wouldn't be long before the swaying movements changed.

Sakura's face exploded in a childish frightened look over something and Eriol wrapped one arm around her waist in response, leaned to her ear and whispered- he had to be whispering something- (how romantic)- and for a second I thought he was going to dip her or something. That'd really go to prove the platonic nature of it. I wasn't going to deny the strands of jealousy raising from me but I wasn't sure why. Was it because I wanted Syaoran to have a chance although he's clearly made no moves of his own or was it because I felt snubbed of my own experience with Eriol since he was so adept with every single girl he came across?

Either way, I felt lousy and they looked beautiful, the dance having changed to a twirl and Sakura's skirt fluttered while her legs stumbled, crossing over themselves as if trying to recover from a tightrope walk.

When it was done I could see them laughing and the platonic nature part of my brain sighed in relief. Couples don't do that; they nest in each other's necks and breathe each other in, or kiss discretely when no one was looking.

This was feeling slightly stalker like and I knew that I had to correct this guilty murmur in my chest. So I stood up shakily and grabbed a cookie, and strode over as neatly as I could to where Sakura and Eriol were.

"You two look wonderful, especially you Sakura-chan! Having fun?"

The more I heard myself the more I despised the bubbly tone in me. I wanted to take photos of the occasions more than I wanted to be in them it seemed. If I was going to be on the sidelines, I might as well grab a purpose instead of looking at my friends like a forgotten third wheel. (When did I get so bitter?)

"Amazing time Tomoyo-chan. This dress is so flowy! It seems to just twirl in this almost ticklish like way look-!" She wiggled her shoes a bit to demonstrate.

"And you?" Eriol, always the gentleman.

"It's … nice." I couldn't bring myself to lie too extravagantly. "Everything's put together really nicely." Crap. Couldn't I have come up with a synonym?

"Anyway, it's getting late. I've tripped over Eriol enough times today, and I'm supposed to be in Syoran's in… well ten minutes ago. Gotta run!"

Syaoran's?

Before I could ask, Sakura was waving and dashing through the gymnasium and out of sight. It was probably a childhood friends type of thing.

I was not jealous.

"A dance?"

"It's still fast." I murmured.

"No matter."

There was that arm again, and I saw no reason to refuse. Eriol was perfectly kind, talented, thoughtful and why freaking not?

_It was like I was waiting on Syaoran all this time with no actual motivation to make a move of my own._

_ Sakura._

It wasn't really a reason.

Dancing with Eriol was easy, surreal, and it was the first time in my life that I had felt anything other than resentment over those dance classes all those years ago.

It was a semi formal, but it felt like a ballroom.

* * *

I think it's at this point that I should declare my intentions.

I really had none.

I was missing Syaoran and I was barely seeing Sakura and it was a chance for me to do something for _me_, an opportunity that wasn't so much rare as it was hardly taken up on.

A lot of things are simply idealistic and I was past that stage of my life. But I am not here to ruin other fairy tales.

I knew somewhere deep down that Sakura and Syaoran were meant to be together and my role was just to blend into the background as much as possible while they made it happen. I loved them tremendously, but the capacity to love is also a double edged sword.

* * *

When Eriol and I played together in April, it was easy like it always was. I could read the way his wrist would lift before a powerful chord and the breath of his shoulders as he would lean into the curve of the grand from the corner of my eye. I could breathe and close my eyes as the melody flows out of me as easy as sleeping and I could draw out the long exaggerated notes and know that when my next sharp intake came that Eriol would follow me. It was the most wonderful partnership I had ever partook in and somewhere along the charm, jokes and music, I found myself comparing him to Syaoran.

Which is utterly and completely wrong.

They are two different people, each to their own values and differences. Syaoran was an unspoken type of mystery while Eriol openly flaunted his such wonder. Syaoran took time to get used to and Eriol was more of a falling into type of guy. Syaoran would ask me what was wrong while Eriol would spend half an hour making fun of me first.

It's a strange dynamic that I was playing around in my head for far too long until I realized that it was completely unfounded.

I mean, it's not as if I was choosing between them.

I had neither.

* * *

The summer would arrive and I would find myself shopping with Rika or third wheeling Chiharu and Takashi. I would be on a photoshoot with Sakura while Syaoran leaned against a tree looking at us maniacally laughing at each other. I stole a couple of shots of him; they turned out really well actually. Syaoran got the mystery air down to a pat- he could model. It felt like third wheeling there too sometimes, when Syaoran would drape Sakura's jacket over her or they would chase each other around in between the nooks of the forest while I looked on almost exasperatedly, feeling lonely.

I'd meet some of Eriol's friends from abroad and catch a movie mid-afternoon and grab ice cream for dinner. I would sew until the late hours of the morning and wait for the main door to click closed before I got the courage to sleep, knowing I was at last not alone in the house. Sometimes the birds would start chirping before I felt my consciousness drift away and I'd mentally check that this day was a goner to be spent in bed.

Every missed inside joke bit a little and every smile back made it feel a bit more worthwhile.

The first year finished quietly and circles were established and yet I still felt lost. It was a drifting kind of lost, thinking of science class and the people I wished to meet yet never had a chance to.

Love was a long while away.

* * *

A/N: I had never really understood why authors would abandon a story they found time to start up in the first place. But real life gets in the way and weeks become months and then years and whatever motivation you had in the first place fades.

For an author who writes based off real life events, that can hit pretty hard.

Sorry guys. Every plan will take a hit somehow and this one fell through quite easily. Kind of hurts to say this.

I wrote this more out of personal obligation and fulfillment than pleasure, and that hurts too.

I'll try to finish it this summer- and every moment I've wanted to dedicate chapters too will now become paragraphs; I'm going to University next year and if I don't finish it this summer I never will.

Not beta-ed, not even by myself once.

I apologize.


End file.
